The Quiet Side Of The Nuclear Reactor

“This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.” The Browns Ferry Nuclear Plant satalong the Tennessee River just outside Athens, Alabama, looking about as serious as a place could look. There were no second chances at Browns Ferry. Everything had a procedure. Everything had a checklist. Everything had somebody responsible for it. At sixty-four years old, Daniel Mercer understood that better than most. Daniel was the kind of man who had spent his life believing that if you worked hard, kept your word and treated people right, things generally had a way of working out. He had earned his bachelor's degree in finance from the University of Mississippi and later completed an MBA. His career had taken him through the business and administrative side of the energy industry before eventually bringing him to Browns Ferry, where he served as a senior site administrator. It wasn't a glamorous job. There were budgets, personnel matters, schedules, meetings, reports and enough paperwork to keep a man busy until retirement. But Daniel liked it. He liked being useful. And after losing his wife of nearly forty years, being useful had become more important to him than he cared to admit. His wife had been gone a little over a year, and Daniel was still learning what life looked like without her. Loneliness didn't always hurt. Sometimes it just sat there beside you. Quietly. Then there was Cindy Smith. Cindy was fifty-one years old and had never married. She had no children, and her career had become the center of her life. She was highly educated, highly disciplined and one of the most respected people at Browns Ferry. Cindy had earned a bachelor's degree in nuclear engineering before going on to earn a master's degree in nuclear engineering. She had spent decades working her way through the nuclear industry, gaining experience in operations, engineering, safety and plant management. She had also earned her Senior Reactor Operator credentials, something Daniel understood required an extraordinary amount of training and responsibility. By the time she became plant manager, Cindy had spent much of her adult life around nuclear reactors. She understood them. She respected them. And perhaps more importantly, she understood the responsibility that came with being responsible for thousands of people working around something that demanded absolute attention to detail. Cindy was serious about her job. Very serious. But Daniel soon discovered there was another side to her.

Cats. Cindy loved cats. Not just the ones somebody could take home from a shelter. She cared about the forgotten ones. The feral ones. The cats that lived behind restaurants, underneath abandoned buildings and around warehouses, surviving on whatever food they could find. After work, Cindy sometimes drove around Athens feeding them. She also volunteered with people at the local animal shelter and helped organize efforts to get feral cats fed, vaccinated and, when possible, adopted. Daniel thought that was an interesting contradiction. Here was a woman responsible for one of the most complicated industrial facilities in the South, somebody who could sit in a meeting discussing reactor safety and plant operations with engineers and executives, and then spend her evening looking under a bush for a frightened stray cat. That was the side of Cindy he liked most. And, truth be told, Daniel thought she was pretty. Not pretty in some Hollywood sort of way. Pretty in a quieter way. She had a reserved smile, a soft voice and a habit of listening carefully before she answered somebody. She wasn't the kind of woman who needed everybody in the room to notice her. Daniel noticed her anyway. Because of their positions at Browns Ferry, both of them understood that any personal relationship had to be handled carefully. There were workplace policies. There were professional responsibilities. And there was the simple fact that neither one of them could afford to have their judgment questioned. So they were careful. They started with coffee. Then lunch. Then dinner at a little restaurant outside Athens. Nothing improper. Nothing secretive. They talked about work, movies, books and their lives before Browns Ferry had become such a large part of them. Cindy talked about cats. Daniel talked about his dog. “You know,” Cindy said one evening, “I think I'm probably becoming a cat lady.” Daniel smiled. “I believe you've already crossed that bridge.” She laughed. “Well, what does that make you?” “A dog person.” “You're the one with that Australian Shepherd, aren't you?” “Mr. G.” “That's his name?” “That's what I call him.” “How old is he?” “Ten.” Cindy smiled. “That's getting up there.” “Don't you tell him that,” Daniel said. “He still thinks he's a puppy.” Cindy laughed. For a moment, Daniel thought maybe there was something there. Maybe. They went to a movie. They had coffee a couple more times. They went to another restaurant. Four or five outings in all. Daniel began thinking about Cindy more than he probably should have. The problem was that feelings have a funny way of showing up where they're not invited. Daniel knew the rules. He knew the risks. And he knew that Cindy was his superior. Still, he couldn't help the fact that he was becoming romantically attracted to her. He admired her intelligence. He admired her independence. He admired the fact that she could spend all day making decisions about a nuclear power plant and then spend half the night worrying about whether some half-wild cat had enough food. And somewhere along the way, admiration became desire to date her in manner of more than just friends. One afternoon, after they'd been talking outside the administrative offices, Daniel finally worked up enough courage to ask something he'd been thinking about for weeks. “Cindy?” “Yes?” “I was wondering something.” She looked at him. Daniel hesitated. “Would it be all right if I held your hand the next time we go out to have coffee or to a movie?” Cindy's expression changed. Not dramatically. Just enough. “No, Daniel.” He nodded. “All right.” And that was all he said. But he understood. A few days later, Cindy asked him to meet her after work. They sat across from each other at a quiet restaurant. Daniel knew before she said anything. “Daniel,” she said, “I think we need to stop this.” He looked down at the table for a moment. “I figured you might say that.” “I don't want there to be any misunderstanding.” “There isn't.” “I don't want a romantic relationship with you.” Daniel swallowed. “I understand.” “I've thought about it, and I just don't believe I want a romantic relationship with anybody.” Daniel looked at her for a moment. He could tell the conversation wasn't easy for her either. “All right,” he said. Cindy looked down at her coffee. “I don't want to hurt you.” “Well, my feelings are gonna be hurt,” Daniel said honestly. “I'm not gonna lie about that.” “I know.” “But I'll be okay.” She nodded. After a moment, Daniel asked, “Can we still be friends?” Cindy shook her head. “No. I think we need to keep it professional.” Daniel was quiet. She continued. “You do your job, and I'll do mine. We're both in positions where we have to be careful. I don't want anything to interfere with that.” Daniel nodded. “You're right.” “If we see each other at work, we'll be cordial.” “Hello and goodbye?” “Exactly.” Daniel smiled. “I can do that.” Cindy looked down at her coffee. “My first love is cats anyway.” Daniel chuckled. “I figured that.” She smiled faintly. “And I guess my first love is dogs.” “I suppose that's true.” They finished their coffee. There wasn't any anger. There wasn't any shouting. There wasn't even much sadness spoken aloud. Just two people accepting something that neither one of them could change. When Daniel walked outside that evening, the Alabama air was warm and heavy. He stood beside his car for a minute and looked toward the Tennessee River. He thought about Cindy. He thought about his wife. He thought about loneliness and love and how sometimes a person could come into your life without ever really becoming part of it. And he realized something. Not every person you care about is supposed to stay close to you. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for somebody is let them go. The next morning, Daniel saw Cindy in the hallway at Browns Ferry. She was carrying a folder under her arm. “Good morning, Cindy.” “Good morning, Daniel.” And they kept walking. A few days later: “Good afternoon.” “Good afternoon.” That was all. And somehow, that was enough. Cindy went back to managing a nuclear power plant, and Daniel went back to his office, his paperwork and his responsibilities. And somewhere after work, Cindy would still be looking for the feral cats she had promised herself she'd never forget. And Daniel would go home to Mr. G., who would probably greet him like he had been gone for six months instead of eight hours. Their lives went on. Not together. But without bitterness. Because sometimes love isn't about getting the person you want. Sometimes it's about having enough respect for them to accept the answer they gave you. And sometimes, in the quiet spaces between one person's life and another's, that's as close to love as two people ever need to get.